9 July 2006 How to lose a gut in 10 days

It is summertime again, as it always seems to be at this time of year, and Americans are thinking about only one thing — how fat they are. We would love to be able to sit here and say "oh no America, you're not fat, you look great, have another Hostess™" like we do any time a girl makes a comment about her weight (except for you, you really aren't fat. Chocolate cupcake?), but America, you are fat and TNE is here to help you shed those extra lbs (see what we did there — getting rid of excess crappy letters is our way of dieting!).

America is the most overweight county in the world (we can't prove this) and it is unhealthy. America is so fat, in fact, that it doesn't wear a belt, it wears a cross-continental railroad. HAHA railroad humor; can't beat that with a stick (of butter). With all joking aside, we at TNE are concerned. Not only for the health of the people of our country, but for ourselves and the people that we might someday have the chance to hook up with. We want you to look good in a suit (birthday suit), so here are some ideas for how to lose weight and look good, brought to you by TNE.

Diet: According to all the diets on TV, I can lose weight and eat great without having to work out. AWESOME! There are tons of diets out there, and we thought that we would let you know which ones would work, so we went on all of them at the same time. We cannot eat simple carbs, fruits, veggies, meat, complex carbs, fish, or most insects, while at the same time we are allowed to eat simple carbs, fruits, veggies, meat, complex carbs, fish, and most insects (besides blood-gorged mosquitoes, ew), according to the different diets we are on. It is a bit confusing, so right now we are only drinking black coffee and water. So far today we have lost three pounds and done all the housework for the next month. We may start marketing this diet soon.

Exercise: While this goes in and out of style, when done correctly, it is the best way to look good (well, unless you are ugly, then exercise can only do so much). The hard part is that most Americans are fat because they are lazy, so getting them to run, bike or swim without the use of a candy bar on a string probably isn't going to happen.

If you don't have time to exercise, do the little things. When you go to get a beer, walk the long way to the fridge, or grab one for a buddy so you are carrying double the weight. Take out the battery of the remote so you have to get up to change the channels (everyone in the house will love you for that). Suck in your gut when at the beach or in the presence of hotties of the opposite(/same) sex. Forget to buy groceries for a day or two (see Fast). Laugh at Taste No Evil. Make out with someone (burns 4 calories a min, making out with two people at once = 8 calories a min and so on. Do you ever see fat people at orgies? Just putting it on the table.)

Fast: not eating is the quickest way to lose weight. It is also cheap. Indians (feather, not dot) used to do this all the time to "connect" with spirit guides. In actuality it was to look good in a loin cloth. Fasting is also known as anorexia and has gotten a bad rap in recent decades* (see note). Once again, the white man attacks the noble savage and his way of life.

Pray: If God doesn't care about you looking good at the beach, what does he care about? Well, on reflection, I guess that whole gay marriage thing and abortions are kind of his deal now huh.

*We at Taste No Evil do not endorse anorexia, bulimia, or any other unhealthy way to lose weight. While being fat is unhealthy, being stupid is even less healthy.