3 August 2006 TNE on Lovin', Volume 1

We at Taste No Evil are concerned. We are concerned about global warming, we are concerned about the war in Iraq and now Lebanon, we are concerned about Mexicans taking over our country and making the USA the DSM (Disunited States of Mexico), we are concerned about that rash on our inner thigh, but mostly we are concerned about you and your inability to find that special someone. We aren't lonely; we have tons of friends – women and men alike adore us – but you, you just can't find that Mr. Right or Miss Right Now. Well have no fear: Taste No Evil has the inside scoop to make sure that you won't spend this next Saturday night alone at your parents' place watching reruns of Seinfeld again. Follow our advice and say hello to love (greet it with a firm handshake).

How to find a dude.

Many of our women friends out there ask us all the time, "Taste No Evil, why can't I find a good guy?" It is quite simple actually, you aren't looking for one!

When women say that they are looking for a "good guy" they simply mean that they are looking for a chick with a manhood attached. Good guys don't exist, except for us, so if you are looking for a good guy, e-mail us (tastenoevil at gmail dot com).

For the rest of you, lower your standards a bit. If you want someone who will treat you right, sacrifice some hotness points. If you want hot, sacrifice some niceness points. If you want perfect, look up Ben Martens, but there is only one of him, so don't get your hopes up.

As far as meeting a guy goes, it is time to stop waiting for him to come up to you, because quite frankly, it is scary as hell for a dude to ask out a chick (because there is a chance she will say no, and for you, yes YOU there, the chance is much higher that she will say no, so don't do anything rash). It is much easier for a girl to ask out a guy because the chance of "no" becomes greatly diminished (there is actually a scale which correlates directly with hotness. If you are interested, contact us, especially if you think you rank highly on that scale and are of the female gender.)

So, to meet the guy of your dreams and not be lonely any longer, follow these directions:

  1. Wear something sexy; however, if you are not sexy, skip this step.
  2. Go to a place with men (bars and sporting arenas are always a good bet; the gym works, but also be creative to catch them off guard: wait outside the gas station — everyone needs gas! Or the milk section of the super market... that always sets you up for great pickup lines. EXAMPLETIME: "Your mom must have given you a lot of milk as a kid 'cuz you're the only ten I see."*
  3. Talk to a man, don't be picky.
  4. Be upfront, truthful, and just cut to the chase, unless you want a relationship; in the latter case, lie like a rug.
  5. Don't pay attention to wedding rings, because guys don't. Unless a woman is hanging on his arm, he is approachable, AND if a woman is hanging off his arm, and you and she are into that kinda thing, he may yet be approachable. The only time we would suggest not approaching a man is if he has one of those rings that you turn one way if you are single, and another way if you are in a relationship $mdash; you should stay clear of any many with this type of "bling" because no matter which way it is turned, he is gay.**
  6. Be easy. Guys love not having to work.
  7. Buy the guy a drink! If you are not that attractive, more drinks may be necessary.

That is it, straight ladies and gay dudes looking for straight dudes. Straight dudes and lesbian ladies, your turn for getting K.O.'d by our superb love-advice arrives in a few days! Stay tuned!

* Editor's note: What? (It appears that Ben is too perfect for his pickup lines to make sense to mere mortal me. Indeed this is the case; see the original post's comments.)

** We at Taste No Evil would like to clarify this by saying "not that there is anything wrong with being gay — I mean, we aren't, but we like gay people, just not like that. Yeah."