17 July 2006 Should we have the right to vote?

Recently Congress had to recertify the Voting Rights Act that was passed during the civil rights era to make sure that no one was prejudizzlated (new word, look it up, it doesn't exist! Take that Webster!) while voting. Basically, the people in the South wanted minorities not to be able to vote, and this act made sure that voting was monitored and people like, say, Strom Thurmond, were not at the voting-policy table. What these states and regions had previously been doing was to have voting rules, such as written language tests, or oral questions that you had to answer to be able to vote. People trying to vote would usually run into something like this:

Voting booth guy: "Are you black?"

Southern white trash voter: "Naw, I ain't no Negro!"

Voting booth guy: "What color is the sky?"

Southern white trash voter: "Eeuhhhh, blue?"

Voting booth guy: "Here's your ballot."

— Next man in line —

Voting booth guy: "Are you black?"

Well-educated black male voter: "What kind of a bull$#!t question is that?"

Voting booth guy: "How many bubbles are in a bar of soap?"

Well-educated black male voter: "What kind of bull$#!t question is that?"

Voting Booth Guy: "Don't get all uppity with me. If you don't know the answer, you can't vote."

There was a problem there (mostly the swearing), and it was fixed. Now we have another problem and we think that our plan is the best way to solve it.

The problem is that this whole democracy thing, quite frankly, isn't working out. It's kinda like a bad relationship where you just keep holding on because it's what you're used to and you don't know what else is out there. Which kind of intrigues you, but it also scares you at the same time because you don't want to be left without a girl... or a government. So we think it is about time that we bring back the test before voting. A "friends with benefits" situation, if you will. The people who know the answers to the tough questions like "how many bubbles are in a bar of soap?" "Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?" "Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing soap made with real lemons?" and "What is the capital of Vermont?" are the people we think should be voting and making the decisions. The rest of us should be content to live with the people who are elected by these great thinkers of our time. We think that the Electoral College was set up for this purpose as well, but even the people in the Electoral College (school mascot: the turkey; school slogan: we don't have to elect who you vote for, so suck on that!) don't know what it is for.