19 September 2008 Taste No Evilnomics

We at Taste No Evil are concerned for the little guy (because we are the little guy), and all these economic problems that the good ol' US of A is facing has us worried. For a while we were fine, mostly because we didn't understand what was happening. All the acronyms that get thrown around — FMOC, AIG, BAC, BOA, FBI, SEC, CIA, Ben Bernanke — just cause our eyes to glaze over like any time Ashton Kutcher tries to be funny.

But things are starting to make sense, and that scares us. Economics should never make sense. Period. How do penny stocks work? Got us! All we do know is that TNE can own about a million shares of a stock (Lehman Brothers) for 10 bucks and that just sounds awesome (note: not awesome! Will someone please buy this from us? We want our 10 bucks back!). Now we are starting to understand what is happening because we are recognizing the words that are being used — "bankrupt," "collapse," "buyout," "complete unraveling of the world's financial system" — and quite frankly we are trying to un-understand for our own mental wellbeing.

Unfortunately we can't un-know something, and as Spiderman's uncle says, "with great power comes terrible sequels," we mean responsibility, so we are here to save the day and lead you through these times of trouble (think of us as a combination of Superman and Alan Greenspan... Superspan!). Get off the ledge, grab a pen, and learn a little Taste No Evilnomics.

  1. Goldfinger was waaaaayyyyy off. You don't need to nuke Fort Knox to increase the value of gold, you just need to have the value of the dollar totally collapse, followed by people unsure of where the market is going (hint: down) so that everyone wants something sold to invest in. And if nothing else, gold is solid. The price of gold has skyrocketed over the past few years to over $1,000 an ounce. Because gold is so heavy, an ounce of gold weighs like as much as a pound of anything else, so be careful when carrying it around. Strapped for cash? Go through those old pieces of jewelry or "bling" and cash them in at the local pawn shop. That priceless family heirloom... not so priceless anymore.
  2. We always heard that if you want to be rich, "make your money work for you." That guy with the buttons and the rolled up sleeves has screamed that a few times, and we are pretty sure that we heard that in economics class, but with the constant "whooshing" sound of things going over our heads, it is hard to know for certain. Unfortunately, money has gone lazy and doesn't want to work for anyone. While taking your dollars and hiding them under your mattress might seem like a good idea, we have to argue against that... unless you want to be sleeping on a pile of tissues, make sure you convert those dollars to Euros first.
  3. Invest in China. Why? What do the Chinese have to do with the US economy? To be short (note the non-Asian joke here (we owe them some money too...)), everything. The US has no money — we blew it on hookers, beer, apple pie and other American things (oil) — so we went and asked the Chinese to loan us a few bucks just until our next paycheck or economic boom. The Chinese had some cash lying around (maybe getting a massage?) from selling us crappy toys and cheaply manufactured goods, so they loaned us a few billion dollars. We bet that money on a couple of football games that just didn't go our way (DAMN YOU ED HOCHULI!), so we have had to ask for a few more bucks. Basically, the US owes China A LOT of money. Hopefully China doesn't make us start to pull tricks out on the street corner (a.k.a. Taiwan) to pay them back, or our international reputation is in big trouble... ok, more trouble... ok, the world might like us more.