31 May 2007 Taste No Evilution

It was not all that long ago that our ancestors used to roam the grasslands of Africa with fellow chimps hunting, gathering, and joining in on heated debates as to the how to stop immigration (damn those ostriches stealing the jobs that we don't want in the first place!). That is of course unless you believe in creationism and see us as some sort of Play-Doh experiment gone terribly wrong. Either way (well, the first way, because that's what happened) we are where we are and humans have developed adaptations to deal with certain situations or to protect themselves from threats. These traits are passed from generation to generation, and as authentic geneticists, we at Taste No Evil have been studying these traits for some time.

Some of you out there may be saying "TNE, humans are not evolving. I don't have gills, or the ability to create storms, or shoot webs from my hands."

Those of you who are saying this are wrong! If you were on Jeopardy, Alex Trebek would have said "no" in that tone that makes you feel like a moron, turned your light off, and then probably bitchslapped you for good measure during the commercial break.

Through our research we have noted that humans have subdivided into separate subspecies, much as certain types of insects separated over generations by mountain peaks or petri dishes will do, and exhibit certain traits while still outwardly appearing similar. Here are our classifications of subspecies for Homo sapiens sapiens and their unique adaptations.

Homo sapiens preppens

Native to Cape Cod, Nantucket, and Martha’s Vineyard, preppens can also be found on most Ivy League college campuses around the country. This species can be identified by their pastel clothing, popped collars, madras shorts, large sunglasses, and pearls on the females of the species. Just as monarch butterflies use their brightly colored wings as a warning to predators of their toxicity, the popped pastel collars warn of the elitist dialogue that will be dispensed to any seeking conversation. This species will usually only mate with its own kind to "keep the wealth where it belongs."

Homo sapiens nerdius

Very similar to Homo sapiens geekerotus; nerdius shies away from sunlight and prefers to be indoors under fluorescent and computer light. Nerdius can be identified by their Coke-bottle-lens glasses, bowl cut hairstyle, awkwardness around members of the opposite sex, affinity towards space movies, and the numerous gadgets carried upon their person. Solitary or in small groups, nerdius hide from more predatory species until mature, then escape from their parents basement to make exorbitant amounts of money by working for Google. Once mature, many of the females from Homo sapiens preppens are then more than willing to mate.

Homo sapiens hippis

Often considered lazy, hippis just likes to "chill." Can often be found with a guitar, wearing hemp, tossing the bee (short for Frisbee) and smoking the weed. Native to jam-band concerts and random demonstrations, the hippis is considered an endangered species because it is so hard to find them due to their fear of "the man." Sanctuaries have been set up at places such as Hamilton College, Reed College, and Vermont to help protect this unique and beautiful (smelly) creature.

Homo sapiens politici

With smooth features, quick smile, and a firm handshake, politici will as soon stab you in the back as smile, but you still want to like them! With tag lines such as "I am not a crook," "No new taxes," "I did not have sexual relations (with my wife was implied)," and "mission accomplished," one can almost smell the bull$#!# flowing from their mouths. Still, we give them our money, hopes, dreams and all the power they want as long as they promise not to make us pay more for gas. "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb-bomb Iran!"

Homo sapiens jockitch

Given a bad rap for their "meatheadedness" (technical term for meat head) this species can be found in the gym, tanning salon, or asking, "which way to the beach?" Mostly hairless except when they forget to wax their backs, these creatures may have smaller legs, large upper bodies, and shrinking testicles. Whey protein and Balco products are usually their main source of nutrients, and a bad knee is all that kept them from going pro... really!

Homo sapiens awesomeus

Much more advanced than any of the other species, they are good looking, intelligent, athletic, and overwhelmingly loved and admired by all. Essentially: us.

What a fantastic way to wrap up a column. Usward props!

Are you a Taste No Evil Scientist? Have you noticed any human subspecies in your area that we left off the list? If so, send us your findings at tastenoevil at gmail dot com and if we get any responses we will post the results!