17 November 2006 'Tis the Season?

Today's date is November 17, 2006, the time five o' — well, the time doesn't really matter, I guess. All that matters for our present line of inquiry is that it is the 17th of NOVEMBER. It's more than a month before Christmas, yet we are already beginning to see the signs of Christmas consumerism floating over the airwaves and into shops. While it's fine to have Christmas items in shops all year long if the store is called, say, The Christmas Tree Shop (does not have Christmas items all year long; is actually a weedporium behind the back door) we kindly entreat everyone else to back the hell up off Christmas till at least December.

It used to be that Christmas waited in the wings of Thanksgiving, watching as we slumped into a turkey coma for the moment when it would pounce, enveloping us with a limitless red velvet sack of lights, Santa, wreaths, reindeer, and Jesus. But no longer. Christmas now simply hangs around like that guy (you know, the dude who hangs around and thereby vexes you), sometimes popping up for a Christmas in July sale of some sort, but mostly waiting until after Halloween/Election Day. Then as the last polls close and the costumes come off (usually in that order), Christmas blitzkriegs us with sleigh bells, sugar plums, menorahs, fruit cake, and garlands. ENOUGH!

Thus, in the name of Thanksgiving, we hereby declare war on Christmas! Thanksgiving deserves its due respect. A holiday that is devoted to family, football, and eating — well, mostly eating — is just AWESOME. Also, TNE was birthed from a computer-drawn hand-turkey (see below) five years ago, so we have a rather special affinity for this most noble of savory traditions. Furthermore, we don't want to be distracted by holly and decking the halls: holly is deadly if you eat it — who wants to make the mistake of stuffing that in your mouth with a forkful of mashed potatoes and squash? — and what exactly does "decking the halls" mean? (Does Rocky V have something to do with it?) While waging a war against Christmas does seem a bit extreme, we have reliable knowledge (trust us) that there are weapons of mass consumption (for real, guys!), and we have passed the point of diplomatic negotiations (Santa demanded too many cookies). Now it is us versus Santa... and Jesus, maybe a few wise men, Mary, Joseph, Rudolph, Moses, Freddy the Little Fir Tree, Frosty, and a partridge in a pear tree. But do we look worried? No! We have our founding fathers on our side and their need — their will — for stuffing and pumpkin pie! You don't want to get between Ben Franklin and a good piece of pumpkin pie: things get messy. Where by "things" we mean "your organs."

Take a stand with us! Rally around our flag (and drumstick!) and drive Christmas back into the dark, icy, saccharine, consumerwhoristic recesses of December whence it emerged! The hand-turkey wants YOU.

where's the hand-turkey
Fig. 1. A hand-turkey that is still classy.