31 October 2006 TNE Does Halloween

There are two things that happen on Halloween: trick-or-treating and Halloween parties. Depending on what you are doing with your night, and what you are trying to get out of it, here are some suggestions from TNE. If you like them, send us some candy via e-mail.

Issue I: Halloween Party!

There is an art to picking a costume with an eye toward your goals for the night. Here are our suggestions for all possible party plans.

1. Getting drunk: Getting drunk is always a good thing to do at a party, and Halloween is potentially the best night of the year for this because you can build it into your costume, as follows.

Ted Kennedy. Red rouge on the cheeks, white wig with a major part, reading glasses, bottle of Jack, talk about Havvad, cahs, chowdah, hit a hooker or two (you know who they are at the party – see below), place pillow in suit, pass out after an hour and a half. Use pillow if you remember what purposes pillows generally serve.

Kim Jong Il. Everyone likes to have a catch phrase when they are drunk. Take a clue from South Park and go with Kim Jong Il's "Oh helrow." Goofy black puffy wig, large rimmed glasses (the thicker the better), Dr. Evil suit. Fart and claim you are testing a "nuclear device."

2. Being inappropriate: We all have had those nights (not Jono) when you just want to say terrible things and run your mouth. Halloween can (and should) be one of those nights. There are two ways to take care of this, make it so no one can identify you, or make it so it is part of the costume.

The mask. Wear a costume with a mask so no one can identify you the next day; a political one is usually best. Some lines to use:

Mark Foley. Suit, tie, slicked-back hair, laptop computer. Are you getting hard yet? ...us neither.

3. Trying to get LAID: Wow, where could we go with this? We all need to get some once in a while, and whether it is worth the makeup all over your place or not is up to you — probably depends on the beer. There are a lot of things to take into consideration when hooking up with someone on Halloween, such as "is that wart real or not"? But it can also be a lot of fun. Here are our faves.

Priest. Girls have this thing for guys they can't get. Black suit, white collar, cross or two, maybe some "holy water."

Line: "Would you like a little bit of God in you?"

Addendum: "Or perhaps A LOT?"

Doctor. Women want to marry a doctor; we're banking on the free drugs and money, but maybe it's just because of their great personality. Wear a white lab coat and a stethoscope. When asked why you decided to be a doctor, claim that you couldn't think of a costume and so just wore your work clothes. If you want to be a dirty doctor, use the line "I got a tongue depressor for you – open wide." We don't know what that means, we just heard it someplace and it rolled off the tongue rather well.

For women who want to get a little (see gesture) it is easy to send out that vibe. Go as a sexy nurse, sexy devil, sexy Indian (feather or dot), cheerleader, maid, schoolgirl (think Britney before the whole issue of getting hit with an ugly redneck stick), sexy witch, sexy superhero (Storm-/Catwomen — rawr). Or if you want to be really blunt, just go as a prostitute (watch out for Ted Kennedy). *We at TNE are not implying that Ted Kennedy has ever done anything with or to prostitutes. We don't even believe that prostitutes exist. For that matter, we aren't sure that Ted Kennedy exists either. (We are the Bet-Hedgers. See us in concert. Friday at the Imperial. Opens at 10. Be there.)

NOTE: picture may or may not be Britney Spears. Her rackular region just don't look right to us. If any girls are reading this who may or may not be involved with The Writer, we were not actually looking at her picture. We swear.


For many of us, the goal of Halloween is one thing — get as much candy as possible. There are several ways to do this.

Be the Candy Pimp. "Borrow" some kids for Halloween, take them trick-or-treating, and charge them a "tax" for the use of the car or your protection.

Scare tactics. Set up a scene around your home making it very trick-or-treat friendly, THEN add something immensely scary to pop out and scare the kids (Rush Limbaugh?), then grab the bags of candy they leave behind... on second thought, don't use Rush, he will take all "your" candy.

The Do-Nothing Candy Trick. Buy as much candy as you can afford, then don't turn on a light or do anything. Claim "the kids never came" and eat all the candy that you could ever want (an exemplar: the US Congress)! [Note: The Editor IS NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DOING EXACTLY THIS AT THE PRESENT TIME.]

Be yourself. Claim that your costume is an old man or woman and go trick-or-treating as yourself. [The Editor wonders why The Writer assumes a readership exclusively comprising retirees, but will let it slide.] If this doesn't work, bring a knife or gun and demand candy when they question your age. Don't take no for an answer.

Happy Halloween and happy candy/alcohol hangover tomorrow!