7 July 2006 What gives, North Korea?

A little grapevine whispered to us today that North Korea, in their quest for world domination, fired a missile at Hawaii... wait, not world domination, world annoyance. What North Korea is doing is basically being that bratty little kid on the playground who throws kickballs at the girls to get attention because he wants them to like him but little does he know that in the end those girls are going to say "no" ten years down the line when he asks them to the prom (not that we would know about this *sniffle*).

Why is North Korea really doing this though? TNE has done some research, called some people, seen some things we never should have seen and come to the conclusion that it all comes down to one thing. They are overcompensating. The North Koreans named their missile "Taepodong-2." Taepodong... dong. COME ON! If that isn't the most blatant cry of "I'm insecure" that I have ever heard, I don't know what is. Get over it North Korea, you are part of Asia, and while you might be good at math, making clothes (small nimble fingers), or developing B action movie stars (gotta love dubbing) you are always going to be a little "shorter" than the rest of us.* You could go the route of the Russians and develop a huge nuclear arsenal to stand on (then have it pulled out from under you! go drink your vodka), or you could be more grown up about it, and be like those awesome Americans and just stand for Truth, Justice, Apple Pie**, Peace, and Baseball. (On reflection, Baseball may not stand for any of the previous things: e-mail Barry Bonds if you have any questions about Truth at roids.muscles@yahoo.com). Others have argued that North Korea, as well as most of the world, is doing this kind of thing because they hate America. How can anyone hate a country that stands for Apple Pie? It is delicious! We at TNE want nothing to do with a world that hates Apple Pie. Launch your missiles, North Korea, and all you will get is a Banana Cream Pie in the face. You will look silly and will entirely fail to impress.

*Editor's note: This arguably racist claim is brought to you fully free from factual foundations and is hence an example of the very best kind of arguably racist claim.

**Apple Pie, while it stands for Justice and Truth, does not stand for Peace. Somehow Blueberry Pie stands for that.