31 October 2007 Jack-O-Lanterns and Hallo-Wieners: A Taste No Ev-O-Ween

Our nation is in trouble. Every time we open the newspaper (or my girlfriend says something) there is more talk of shortages that are wreaking havoc upon our national economy. Lumber, gas, oil, corn, soybeans, money, engineering jobs, copper, water, women and hybrid cars have all been "behind the curve" as far as production vs. demand has gone. The current shortage that is hitting the nation is nothing short of disastrous though: apparently we don't have enough pumpkins.

The news report that I heard stated that we did not have enough pumpkins because, and I quote, we had "too wet and too dry of a summer." I don't know what this NPR reporter was smoking (yes I do), but that just doesn't make sense. It is like faith based pregnancy planning or Fred Thompson being accused of working too hard... CRAZY.

With the price of pumpkins skyrocketing, we as a society have to adjust and, just as with the fuel industry, look to alternative sources for jack-o-lanterns. Here are some of our suggestions.

A jack-o-nanner

The Jack-O-Nanner

The yellow peel says tropical, the brown gooey mush coming out of its eyes says Halloween. The fruit flies tell you it is time to try something new...

An apple jack

The Apple Jack

Seasonal, delish, red, green, quasi-orange, or yellow. Used by witches to put beautiful step daughters to sleep or used by heroes to entice beautiful princesses to stop running a race so that you can marry them... wait, does that make any sense? (Hooray for random Greek mythology apple references!). Leave these suckers out and they will shrink like... well... shrunken heads. How cool would that be to hang on your belt, Johnny Applehead!

A jackèd car


My Republican friends would make a black joke here; I am going to ignore them.

"Borrow" your neighbor's car and turn it into a fright-o-mobile. Then drive it though the neighborhood offering candy to kids and asking if they want a ride. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

An iLantern

The iLantern

Apple is slowly taking over the world. Their products are everywhere! If there is a limited supply of pumpkins, there is no such problem with iPods, iPhones, iTunes, or iCrack. Use them to make fancy Apple-o-lanterns that can play music, surf the web, and kill people with battle axes. Google will save us!

A jack-o-grape


Maybe it is our astute fear of Fruit of the Loom undies, maybe it is the thought of someone trying to carve out a bunch to look like a scary face, or maybe just the amount of wine we have been drinking... but for some reason this is a good idea.

Do your part to help the economy and try one of our novel ideas for new Jack-O-Lanterns. Carving pumpkins is so last year — carve something new and different... like a turkey. Happy Halloween from TNE!