25 June 2007 A Primer to the NESCAC Schools - Part IV (4*)

*i.e. hence this unfortunately has nothing to do with mainlines or smack.

It is time once again to piss off some of our fellow NESCAC alums with another installment of Taste No Evil's "COLLEGE! A Primer to the NESCAC Schools." It has been a while, so look over our first article here if you have any questions as to what we are doing — OK, that is a little vague considering we ourselves have questions as to what we are doing, but still — enjoy. And remember — we only make fun because we think we are better.

The Conn College Seal.

Part the Fwath: Connecticut College


Name: Connecticut (Conn) College (see what they did there: shortened it from an old Native American name to a word that sounds like it means swindle! Marketing in action. Good work guys.)

A camel.

College mascot: The Camel Toe

College motto: "Like a tree planted by rivers of waters (that bringeth forth its fruit in its season.)"*

*Fun Fact! Conn College is the only college in the NESCAC to use parentheses in its school motto — which still doesn't help to clarify why that particular passage is being used as the school motto. We assume it is because "But where shall wisdom be found? and where is the place of understanding? Alas, not here" just didn't have the same ring in Latin.

Alternative College Motto: "Back off, we spit!"

Location: A hilltop in New London, Connecticut — in case the name didn't tip you off. They are creative ones there! Almost state-school-esque. ("name, name, what kinda name... hmmm, well, we are in Connecticut... and we are a college. Hey guys! I've GOT it!"

Student body: The Conn College Student body is made up of 1,900 men and women. As it was traditionally a women's school, there are still significantly more women on campus than men, so if there are any lonely high school boys out there looking for better odds of getting a little sumpnsumpn in college, Conn is the place for you!

Why a camel? There are several different stories as to why Conn College decided to become the Camels once the school became co-ed. Two of the stories revolve around the basketball team — this is an actual quote from a member of the team as to why they became the Camels:

"We were not quick, some of us were kind of lumpy, and we didn't seem to need a whole lot of water... [Someone] came up with 'the Camels,' and it was universally accepted."

Oh how little things have changed...

The more likely story is that when the men's basketball team needed to come up with a mascot someone made a crack about the women team's affinity for spitting and the legend was born. Rumor is that alumni of the school make it a point to hold on to their college's storied tradition of always spitting at inappropriate times.


Founded in 1911 in response to Wesleyan "kickin' tha bitchiz 2 tha curb" and becoming an all-male institution, Conn College was founded as a women's school and stayed as such until 1969. At that point, they could not get the hippies playing Frisbee and hitting on the girls via guitar and "song" to vacate the premises, so instead of causing a fuss, they simply admitted them and a new era began!

The school has never recovered from its decision to be located in Connecticut.

Kinda a big deal, kinda a big check — According to the school's website, the comprehensive fee (tuition, room, board and fees) for the 2007-2008 academic year is $46,675 and reflects a commitment by the College to provide a rigorous and challenging interdisciplinary liberal arts education. It also reflects the fact that you will still be paying back your college loans until the ice caps melt and Connecticut is under water. So we suggest you defer paying them off as long as possible. Yeah global warming!

But fear not — you are getting your money's worth! According to U.S. News and World Report, Conn ranks 39th out of 215 national liberal arts colleges! That is the top quarter! I wonder if that was your class rank if they would let you in or not (our guess is "nope").

Alums — Conn College is known for producing very socially conscious alums and ranks in the top 25 schools for sending graduates onto the Peace Corps upon graduation. College loans here we come!

Famous alums include Nikki Palmieri, who was 2004's Miss Connecticut; Joan Rivers attended for a little while before leaving — that's right, Joan Rivers — and then of course the members of the band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Everyone Else Say No.

Fun with quotes and facts that we're probably misrepresenting... but might not be!

Fiske Guide to Colleges: Students at Connecticut College follow the example of their mascot, the camel — they take pride in drinking.

The location is right between Boston and New York. Good observation: Connecticut does put the college right in between Boston and NY. But are they Red Sox or Yankee fans? No sitting on the fence. Make a decision!

Unofficial, Unbiased Guide to the 331 Most Interesting Colleges — The academics are first-rate in almost all departments... Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Kaplan. How does that quote end? ...except the biology department, which still thinks that camels are native to Connecticut. We think a little clarity is in order! ...Tales of students being invited to professors' homes for dinner are common. Conn students say they admire their professors' commitment, both inside and outside the bedroom...*

*NOTE: we at Taste No Evil are not responsible for any misrepresentation of what takes place between students and professors at Conn College just because we changed one word in a quote. If one word can make such a huge difference, maybe they shouldn't use the quote — that's all we're saying. We are also saying that a student has got to do what a student's got to do to get the grade. Well, anything besides studying. Don't do that. My goodness.