5 February 2007 Do You Smell Something Fishy?

Scientists are reporting that by 2050 (that's 46 years ± 3 years from now, by our count) there will be no wild fish left in the oceans for us (as a species, as opposed to simply us at TNE, who do not control the global fishery — yet) to harvest and — subsequently — eat. The article describing the report used words such as "exploit," "population crash," and "biodiversity," while also employing a "graph" to show what would happen to fish stocks by 2050 (see graph).

a graph about fish

While we at Taste No Evil do not like to see animals disappear (it confuses us), at the same time, we cannot help but think that this could be a huge boon for mankind. Think about it. Fish are taking up a lot of space in the ocean that we could be using. Oceans constitute a large portion of the world, and we use very little of it due to our fear of being eaten by a giant squid or, far, far worse, a sea cucumber. [WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE MY NIGHTMARES, CREATURE THAT IS SQUISHY AND HENCE PLAYS INTO CERTAIN TERRIBLE PHOBIAS OF MINE - ed.] Once these monsters are properly dealt with, there is nothing holding us back from conquering the entire world as we know it (except for that perpetually stifling lack-of-gills-on-our-necks issue, the L.O.G.O.O.N.I., if you will).

While wild fish are taking the route of the wild cow (extinct due to tipping), some in the international community are doing their best to curb the tide (har) of their demise. A multinational pact has been established as an attempt to limit the take of tuna in the world's oceans. While this is splendid for tuna, we still don't know what happens when the tuna run out of things to eat after their inevitable population boom. We just hope they don't conclude that attacking us is the new way forward. Tuna and shark, with air-emergent torpedoes (they have them — just ask Colin Powell), would be one killer (har) tag team.

Of course, while we are on the topic of fish, we cannot neglect the very king of the fish. Yes, we have in mind that emperor of all true bony fishes, that paragon of actual fishness: the whale. Long protected, whales are now threatened by pro-whaling countries enjoying the majority in the International Whaling Commission for the first time in 20 years and trying to institute a "sustainable" whaling industry (catch and release whaling?). Those weed-smoking hippies from Britain ("I say, good sir, dare I ask whether I might partake of that voluminous spliff of yours? I might? Jolly good! Mmmm... jolly good!") are trying to put a stop to it by publishing a brochure to try and get other countries to join the commission and oppose whaling. The main topic of debate between countries that are pro-whaling, such as Japan, Norway, and Iceland, and those of the anti-whaling mindset, is whether whales are distinct individuals or whether they are basically large cows of the sea and thereby subject to the same hive-consciousness that cows are known to exhibit. One known contrast is that whale burgers contain marginally more blubber. Japan, the largest advocate for whaling, states that "whales are not sensitive or social creatures but mindless killing machines just like sharks and Tyrannosaurus rexes — just ask any krill." Great Britain has responded with something about the Japanese's minds being, quote, "jolly well addled" because of nuclear fallout (definitely too soon, the UK), leading, as is the way of the world, to an all-out slap fight.

Along with the brochure, Great Britain is distributing "Free Willy" on DVD with extras including an interview with Shamu (copious fish eating by both the interviewer and the interviewee) and a faux-Japanese menu entitled "From the People who Brought you 'Dog for Lunch,' all new 'Whale For Dinner!'" Certain coarse Britons, in solidarity with their government's position, have been heard chanting the slogan "Save the Whales. Eat an Asian!" [We at TNE are certainly glad that we ourselves are above making such questionable suggestions. Isn't that true, The Writer? - ed.]