30 July 2007 Wanna bet on it?

The Wide, Wide World of Sports comes crashing down on itself and we want a taste!

"Shocking," "disturbing," "foundation shaking," and "minty" are all quotes taken from articles concerning recent developments in the sporting world. No, they don't pertain to one of Peyton Manning's new commercials to be aired a bazillion times once the NFL season begins, they pertain to some of the biggest negative sport stories of the year... and to a recipe for mint juleps in the "Home and Food" section of the local paper that caught our attention (mint and bourbon? Together? BRILLIANT!).

Sports have brought so many good things to our society: tank tops, Mia Hamm topless, expensive shoes, guys in baseball caps, performance-enhancing drugs, beer commercials, exorbitant salaries, the movie "White Men Can't Jump," Sundays... and Monday nights... and now Thursday nights... and the entire summer in front of the TV, "they're not saying boo they're saying moooovers," Cracker Jax, the jump shot "count it!", and the pastime known as golf. It is really sad that now the dark side of sports is rearing its ugly head and biting us, the viewers, in the ass — like Michael Vick's pitbull (oh yeah, it left a mark).

Many of you out there on the "Web" may be distracted by the number of celebrity arrests that have been taking place concerning drunk driving (road soda anyone?) and drugs ("What? No, I just like the smell of baking powder.") so that you may have missed what is happening. Here's what we're tasting — and it isn't that palatable.

Story 1: Barry Bonds (B.B.) Does Steroids!

Two photos of Barry Bonds

When the size of your head increases and the size of your balls decreases, you know something is going wrong (note, we at Taste No Evil have not actually seen B.B.'s balls... but considering his ex-mistress is saying he was on the 'roids, one can only guess how she knows). But when you are getting paid a boatload to hit a ball over a fence, who cares? You can buy all the balls you could ever want and get your back waxed every day... money does buy happiness! Oh, and on a side note, B.B. is also trying to break the all time home run record.

Story 2: Everyone who rides a bike is on something (besides a bike)

Tour de France, full tilt

The "Tour de France" (for those of you who don't speak French, that roughly translates into "the really long bike ride though France") is possibly one of the most boring sporting events to watch EVER. The World Series of Poker is more interesting to watch than this massive joyride through the alps, and they aren't even on the 'roids — yet. Apparently that natural high you get from riding up the alps just doesn't do it for these guys, because they have more drugs coursing though their veins than Hunter S. Thompson combined. (wait...) Every time a new leader takes over, it turns out he is shooting up on something or using someone else's blood (is this the beginning of IRL vampirism?) to gain an advantage. The excuse that your mom never accepted seems to be the status quo here as "everyone's doing it." We no longer care who is and who isn't doping; prizes should be awarded to those who hide it the best. The Tour should take some time, rethink its life, and stay off the TV for a while. I think there's a rerun of bowling we would rather watch.

Story 3: Michael Vick Takes a Bite out of Crime.

Michael Vick after taking a bite out of crime

Finally a sports story that doesn't have to deal with performance-enhancing drugs — unless you count what Vick was feeding the pitbulls he and his buddies were raising. Vick was one of the NFL's most popular players and has one of the largest contracts in football history (despite not being able to get through the playoffs). While gigantic heads, hairy backs and tiny balls are funny, dog fighting is distinctly not so.

Because of this, we at Taste No Evil are, instead, charging Michael Vick with hamster fighting (come on. That is inherently hilarious.) An upcoming FBI investigation will prove, undoubtedly (slam dunk!), that Mr. Vick has been, for the past 4 years, raising hamsters and pitting them against each other in battles of epic proportions. These accusations are very serious and we suspect do not just stop with Vick. There are numerous other NFL players, coaches and even groundskeepers who we suspect are involved in this "hamstering" ring.

a hamster in a ball winning a balled-hamster race

On a recent raid of Vick's house, numerous hamster balls were confiscated, along with a slew of doped-up hamsters. Upon questioning, Vick responded: "It started so innocently, a hamster ball race here, a maze challenge there, suddenly we had the little buggers competing in a mini hamster Olympics." When questioned as to the battles royal between the hamsters, Vick responded "what?", flicked us off, and went to feed his dogs. With hamsters.

There you have it. The world of sports has come crashing to its knees. Next thing you know, people will be paying attention to hockey! Thank goodness the sanctity of sport has been maintained in one of the major leagues — the NBA. At least there we know exactly what we are going to get in any given game — especially if our man Tim Donaghy is refereeing. Anyone for a mint julep? Hold the mint on ours...